The Equinox Disturbance
by CarolHQPanzarin
Summary: Summary: Based on the 6th Season Episode, Equinox. After reliving her First Officer from duty during the Equinox events, Captain Kathryn Janeway has to confront both hers and Chakotay s disturbed feelings ----COMPLETE----
1. Chapter 1 The Fall

Title: The Equinox Disturbance

Summary: Based on the 6th Season Episode, Equinox. After reliving her First Officer from duty during the Equinox events, Captain Kathryn Janeway has to confront both hers and Chakotay´s disturbed feelings.

Pairing: Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay

Genre: Romance

Rating: K

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager Series are Copyright and Trademark Paramount Pictures. No infringements intended.

Authors Note: Reviews are welcomed.

Chapter 01 – The Fall

Captain Kathryn Janeway sat bewildered in her office chair. She was still trying to absorb the past days events.

A few days ago Voyager received a distress call from a Starfleet science vessel, called the Equinox, which was being the target of strange aliens' attacks.

They'd responded immediately and despite of the several casualties and heavy damage suffered by Captain Ransom and his crew, Kathryn was confident and encouraged; they were not the only humans on the Delta Quadrant any longer.

However those blissful feelings didn't last for long. While developing a new shield system to protect the vessels from the aliens' attacks, Voyager's senior crew had uncovered not only the reason for the aliens fury but also the terrible secret Captain Ransom and his crew were hiding; they were using those beings´ nucleogenic mass to power a enhanced warp drive and speed up their journey home. And when Captain Kathryn Janeway learned about the Equinox's terrible deeds, she promised herself she would capture and punish Ransom and his ship mates at all cost. And the cost had been definitely high.

Now with a Starfleet Captain dead and her First Officer relieved from duties and confined to quarters, she had to face her own disturbed feelings. She understood Ransom's decisions; she herself had had the same moral questioning more than once before – to preserve Starfleet moral and take the long way home or to abandon all human principles and leave Starfleet to decide the consequences.

However she couldn't accept what he had become, she couldn't accept who she might become to avoid being stranded in the Delta Quadrant. And that's why she had to capture him at all costs, as a reminder for herself; a reminder of a dark possible future.

She became irrational with the possibility of Ransom getting away without the consequences while she and the crew would remain alone and vulnerable, years away from Earth.

Chakotay tried to reason with her about pursuing Ransom. He even designed a plan to contact the aliens and find a diplomatic solution. However when choosing between contacting the aliens and pursuing the Equinox, the captain settled for the second and when her First Officer orally opposed, she immediately relieved him. And now it was her responsibility reinstating him.

Kathryn did not know what to expect from him; she had been through that situation before with Tom Paris, B´lanna Torres, Seven of Nine and even Harry Kim, but never Chakotay… never with her first officer and best friend, the person she trusted and cared the most. "Would he understand my motivations? How is this event going to affect our professional relationship? How it is going to affect our personal relationship?" – She couldn't stop wondering about all those questions while heading for his quarters.

She chimed his door getting an immediate response from him – "Enter".

He was casually dressed, sitting absorbed in his dining table designing a new handmade sand painting.

"I'm here to reinstate you as Voyager's First Officer Chakotay." – She said in her best commanding voice, trying at least, to get his attention.

"And why are you here captain? You could have sent a security officer to inform me." – He responded bluntly, still focused on the artwork before him.

Kathryn realized she did not have the answer for that particular question. "Why am I here?" – She wondered starring intently at the stars passing by his quarters´ window. As a Starfleet captain she didn´t had the luxury to second guess her decisions in front of the senior staff; she had to be firm and unfaltering; she had to follow Starfleet principles and her own.

As Kathryn Janeway however, she desperately needed Chakotay to understand her reasons and motivations as she could not loose her best friend and confidante, her supporter and the only person who could safely guide her emotions across the Delta Quadrant.

"Captain?" – Chakotay sound a little worried, noticing Kathryn´s deep silence and distant wondering. Since she set foot on his quarters he was defensive, almost reluctant on seeing and talking with her again. She had been irrational, a total stranger to him and to the crew; and that´s what scared him the most. For the past days, in his confinement, he had thought several times about engaging in mutiny against the Captain, but it was in fact Tuvok the one who had openly pointed to him, in a secret communication, the possibility of an extreme action against the Captain as her actions were becoming erratic and irrational.

He had been totally and irrevocably in opposition to any reaction against her, despite of the knowledge that by not doing so, as First Officer, he was putting both Voyager and the crew in danger. It disturbed him the deepness of his feelings for her; it terrified him also.

"Kathryn?" – A few minutes had passed since he called her the first time. He now looked straight at her, hoping for a response.

His worried toned caught her attention and she realized he was starring at her, deeply worried – "I don´t have an answer for you Chakotay." – She stated honestly, turning towards the door.

He quickly stood up and went in her direction, reaching for her arm and gently grabbing it – "I can help you find the answer Kathryn. Just talk to me… Just let me in."

*** To Be Continued***


	2. Chapter 2 The Awakening

Title: The Equinox Disturbance

Summary: Based on the 6th Season Episode, Equinox. After reliving her First Officer from duty during the Equinox events, Captain Kathryn Janeway has to confront both hers and Chakotay´s disturbed feelings.

Pairing: Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay

Genre: Romance

Rating: K

Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager Series are Copyright and Trademark Paramount Pictures. No infringements intended.

Authors Note: Reviews are welcomed.

--------------------------------------------------

Chapter 02 – The Awakening

She was surprised by his words. After all the recent events, she hadn't expected or even imagined being rewarded with Chakotay's concern and caring once again. She had picture him silent and reticent, furious and screaming, but not in a million light years Kathryn had foreseen her recent reinstated First Officer saying those affectionate words; the words she so desperate needed to hear from him.

However she was reluctant. She trusted Chakotay with her life and her soul but discussing such a personal and painful matter with him terrified her; nevertheless she was Captain Kathryn Janeway.

"I don't think I can Chakotay… whether in here with you or out there with the crew, I remain the Captain of this ship and I can't loose control of that either." – She responded almost as a prayer.

Chakotay comprehend her reluctance; it has never been easy for Kathryn to shift between the Captain and the Friend roles. In the early years of their journey she turned several times to Chakotay seeking advices about the nature of her relationship with the crew, after all they were millions of light years away from Earth and standard captain-crew interaction seemed to not apply in the Delta Quadrant. At that point it became clear to her that they should act as a family, a Starfleet regulated family, but a family nevertheless; and she was the figurative mother of that family – strong, protective, caring, supportive and reasonable. And that's the role she played until that moment, when Kathryn own desires and emotions began to surface without her being able to control them.

The fear in her eyes where overwhelming to Chakotay; it was a side of Kathryn's character he'd never seen before – "Don't let your fear of losing control take over you once again Kathryn, it´s already done too much damage… for both of us." – He gently squeezed her arm as a sign of encouragement and reassurance.

She nodded quietly to him trying to gather her own thoughts – "In all these years Chakotay, I´ve always tried to find the perfect balance between rationality and emotion to base my decisions on. When we found the Equinox, Ransom and his crew, I thought all my actions where justified, all my decisions were reasonable, but I was wrong… as soon as I discovery they were slaughtering innocent beings… I lost all my senses, all my rationality; I only thought about capturing and judging Ransom…"

At that point, Kathryn had her gaze fixed on her own shaking hands; she was unable to look at him overwhelmed by shame and apprehension; she waited for her own judgment.

"You were moved by an emotion Kathryn as any human would be, that´s not a crime, whether you be a Starfleet Captain or not. We were all dominated by vengeance once we heard about Ransom´s evil deeds." – He reached for her hand, gently squeezing it, trying to get her full attention.

Kathryn immediately looked up to him and said – "It was not vengeance Chakotay; it was fear… fear of becoming Ransom." – almost as a whisper.

"Kathryn… since we began our journey you´ve faced the same challenges that Ransom did but you´ve never put innocent lives in danger to shorten our way home. It´s was your prime directive. What makes you think that now, or in the future, you would act differently?" – Chakotay finally began to fully understand the motives behind Kathryn's strange behavior for the past days.

At first Kathryn saw Ransom as a powerful ally and a source of hope and strength; he and his crew had also survived the Delta Quadrant´s adversities; Voyager and Equinox with their joined forces could overcome their challenges together.

But when she discovered the secrets Ransom and his crew where intentionally keeping from her, Kathryn become divided between vengeance and understanding. She was then dominated by fear; the fear of an unknown future where she would be forced to become Ransom.

Kathryn breathed deeply. The answer to Chakotay's question was far more complicated than she had anticipated. In fact, it was not only complicated but also embarrassing for her, a Starfleet Captain. She disengaged herself from his hand, heading for his living room window and stopping just a few meters from it, silently.

A few minutes passed until she was fully able to speak again, starring the dark open space she said – "Chakotay, Captain Ransom was not only motivated by the desire to lead his crew home. The Delta Quadrant transformed him in a lonely and sad man and he acted based on those feelings; hoping they would disappear once he reached Earth.

After only five years of our voyage I'm too beginning to fell the weight of the captainship, the weight of the loneliness… every passing day I fell it growing on me. I´m too liable to make the same destructive decisions once I´m dominated by those feelings."

"Kathryn, you´re not like Ransom and you're not alone..." – he immediately responded, closing the distance between them but respecting her personal space. "You've built a family in this ship, you've became closer to them and them to you...you've bend some of the rules."

Chakotay tried to reason with her using her own arguments; although Voyager was still a Starfleet vessel, they situation was unique and without any assistance, circumstances would have to be managed the best way possible, and more than once that had meant bending and breaking some rules.

But there was a rule that Kathryn would never consider breaking: the one which forbids romantic relationship between the captain and a crew member; the rule that caused such loneliness and such fear on her.

"There are some rules that can't be bended, Chakotay, they have to be broken and I´m in no place of choosing the rules I´m going to follow and the ones I won't. It wouldn't be fair to the crew." – She forced her best captain voice as if trying to convince herself instead of him.

"Yes but you're denying yourself a privilege you already offered to the crew Kathryn; you're denying yourself a chance of happiness and you're also denying me a chance of happiness..."

His voice was filled with angst and sadness and Kathryn didn't fully understand the reasons. Some times Chakotay's real feelings were a mystery to her – "As a First Officer you're not bound by the same rules and regulations that I´m Chakotay… you can have romantic relationships with whoever you want." – She was now fully facing him and the pain and hurt in his eyes matched the angst of his voice. It was the hardest thing she ever had to say to him.

"Yes, but who I want, who I´m in love with is the Captain of this ship, Kathryn, and she's bound by those rules." – He blurted out almost in anger, turning hastily from her as if heading towards the quarters door.

He was about to leave, but suddenly stopped in the middle of the room, still facing the door – "I´m sorry Kathryn, I shouldn't have said…"

"Chakotay" – She interrupted, crossing the space between them and reaching for his hand – "There's no one on this ship, or in the Alpha or Delta Quadrant I'd rather be with. I wouldn't break Starfleet rules for no one else but y…"

She wasn't able to finish the sentence as Chakotay closed the space between them and kissed her deeply with all the passion and love he had been concealing all this years.

There were no more rules for Kathryn or Chakotay to bend as they were all broken from that moment forward.


End file.
